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TheSovietPremier
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Name: Chris
Country: United States
State: Georgia
Metro: Atlanta
Birthday: 11/1/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: Public speaking, friendly debate, being a good person, youth ministry, law enforcement, trying to see the best in people, folk rock, finding a girl, falling asleep to the military channel, michigan football, coffee, the office, going out and having a good time, whiskey, practical jokes and being witty, making new friends, keeping old friends, going to boston someday, snow and cold weather, chocolate ice cream, movies (especially pulp fiction), catholicism, guinness, pool, death ball, learning to cook, and keeping myself happy in general.
Expertise: I really don't know, I find that the more I learn, the less I know, if that makes any sense. If anything, I'd have to say that I'm good at cheering people up and trying to make people happy. I love to do those things, I truly do. Also, I like public speaking..but I wouldn't call myself any expert, although I am working at it.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Other
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  TheSovietPremier
Member Since:
8/24/2005
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| Well, I don't write here to often anymore. I usually save it for whens something important seems to be on my mind, or at least something important regarding one thing. This just seems like a "safer" place to write instead of on the myspace.
so..I had this dream the other night, and it has just got me wondering. I don't really know what its got me wondering about..it just has me going "hmm." Especially in lieu of what has been going on in my life lately.
I haven't really though about pam a lot lately at all. I mean, the last big even was at the retreat, and I thought about it a lot then, sent my response to the note she gave me, and kind of just "sat back" since then. It just hasn't been on my mind in recent months/weeks as much as in the past. Thats what makes this dream weird for me.
Basically this is what it was: I was dying, and the only person I wanted to see was her. I didn't really know why, I just did. When she got there, everything I've ever felt about her just came pouring out of me, she started crying, said "I'm so sorry," then we hugged (and it was one of those I'm never gonna let you go hugs), kissed, and it all just felt "okay."
Let me say this: I know its just a dream. I'm aware, so anyone who may happen to read this (which I doubt, this thing hasn't had a hit in months) don't give me crap over it. I'm not reading it as truth, but at the same time its something I just can't ignore either.
The thing is, it was probably the most intense dream I've ever had. Its just odd, especially for it to be out of the blue like that.
Shes found her way into them a lot before. Never like this though. When we broke up, it was always us fighting and basically telling each other to "fuck off." I had that one a good few times. Then it randomly went to us just being friends in them. Then those died out and I had a few of us being together, but not a lot. By that time it was really all just dying out, and I wasn't having many anyways.
Then this. But its been a long time since anything. a very long time.
And it confuses me because I've kind of started dating someone else for a while now. I mean, its not a full fledged relationship, but its pretty much heading that way. Neither of us are really going that fast, or wanting I think for that matter, for whatever reason (I guess we've both learned that its okay not to rush?). But I do really like her, and we do hang out a lot, and in many instances she occupies a lot of my mind. Its still a thing in progress though.
So why would I have this dream. Wouldn't it make more sense if the other girl was in it?
I mean..I would never lie and say I don't have feelings for pam anymore, or that I don't care or even love her in some sense at least, because I do. I'm sick of the whole thing though... I'm tired of feeling ignored or looked down upon. Tired of feeling like I'm the only one willing to put forth any sort of effort for anything (and that may not be the case..I'm just saying that it feels like it). Tired of not wanting to give up on something that has been abandoned by everything else. I wish it wasn't that way, I truly do wish that. There are stills times, seldom they may be, that I find myself hoping for nothing more than that resolution to one of (in my opinion) stupidest conflicts/fights/situations I've ever been a part of. I don't want it to be that way any more. I want it to be sorted through and fixed. But it is that way, and I feel like I can do little anymore to help that.
Couple that with meeting someone who I actually kind of like and am interested in for the first time in a long time, and I guess that puts me where I am now.
But then this stupid dream. A window into my soul perhaps?...to what I truly want, or truly need? Should I just stop trying? Its not like me to do that.. especially if I really do believe in it. Did I just stop right before something may have happened?
Am I trying to tell myself something? Is God trying to? (and don't give me crap about me saying that. God can speak through dreams if he pleases..he speaks to us all differently). I just dunno. I don't know what to make of it.
I just want to know who "that" girl is for me...
My logic wants to dismiss it as just a dream...but something inside of me says it isn't.
Who knows.
“Dreams are like stars...you may never touch them, but if you follow them they will lead you to your destiny.”
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| oh wow..so this new setup on xanga is weird. I signed in on its all different now lol. I think its funny how all of the social networking sights like to copy off of each other now. Pretty soon its all gonna be the same thing, then whats the point?
ok..so I'm not here to write about little stupid things like that though..
well..I'm not sure where to start with this. When ever I think about things in my head its always clear for me, but sometimes its hard to work out into writing. Sometimes its best to put the work into it though, because then you really have to look at it all and make it all make sense. ...If that makes any sense lol.
I suppose being this up front might come back to haunt me at some point, but thats life. I'm really not concerned with that right now anyways..or at least its not on the front of my mind.
I find myself thinking about her a lot more lately. Missing her. I'm sure theres reasons why..probably a fair amount to do with what was going on around right now last year..but the 'why' isn't important I don't think. I could come up for a million reasons for why, and it would never get me to the root of anything.
I guess in my retrospect I've found myself kicking me in the butt for the way I've gone about some things. At the same time though, I really don't know if I could've handled things different.
I feel like I should have been a million times more up front and aggressive. At the same time though, I know that the times I was aggressive always ended in frustration or anger. Maybe I just wasn't doing it the right way. I relied way too much on the stupid internet, I know that.
It hurts to know, or at least to feel, that I went about it wrong. I was too weird about the whole thing. I was too busy trying to pretend things weren't heading south, and when it started falling apart, I was so lost and confused that I didn't know what to do. I shouldn't have been expecting her to say that indeed everything was fine again. ...so may things..
I was so wrong. And I hate it. I should have actually tried to accept what was going on and worked from there. Theres no doubt in my mind things could have been fine. I just regret not doing all that I should have done, and doing other things instead. I cared way too much, loved way too much, to let it all just slip away.
Then after all the major stuff I sat there like some kind of fool. What the hell was I thinking? Its like I was so freaking scared that I would make things worse by being totally up front that I didn't do anything. I was wrong. So wrong. Damnit..It really upsets me to know that I did that. I should have just went gone for what I wanted and not given up instead of freaking moping about it. I did that for too long....why?..
The I just gave up completley..and not even because I didn't feel anything anymore..but just because I felt it was hopeless.. yeah..felt it was hopeless after I DID NOTHING to try and make it not hopeless. Pathetic...
I just gave in. I started listening to what everyone was saying to me, despite the fact that I didn't want to or honestly believe in what was being told to me. I started going out with other people, and being sorely disappointed. And the whole time I was still holding it all in like an idiot.
Even when I had chances to come out and say what I really felt I wouldn't let myself. I suppose I just figured I'd forget it if convinced myself otherwise. Another stupid thing.
Its not even like I'm not the kind of person to stand up and say what I want. Granted, usually I'm happy go luck and have no opinion. I'm not hard to make happy at all. But when I really want something I'll say it. For some reason there was a breakdown of that with me concerning all this..and its been persistent.
So I dunno...I have no idea why all this came to mind..why I've been looking over it. I think I finally started to see the changes in myself that have happened over the course of last year, especially since I've moved. I know that if all that was happening now instead of a year ago, I wouldn't have been so damn timid. I've changed a lot for the better..and its become apparent to me. Granted..I'm still the same old Chris personality wise..but in certain I just can't let myself not speak my voice and and stand up anymore. Maybe its the product of me being out of the house I grew up in..who knows. Its just how I am now..and it sucks because I know if I was like that back then that it would have solved half of the problems that we ever had.
I suppose..the whole reason for blurting all this out is that I want to do something now. I got told to "man up" before..and at the time it pissed me off hard core. At the time I just don't think I got it though. I do now though. I want to..it makes me indescribably sad on the inside to know that I didn't do it when I needed to..I cant even describe it in words. ...I just feel its far too late (although thats a trap I've fallen into in the past... now I know better though). I feel like I missed my boat. But I want to be on that boat so bad that Id dive into the water and swim after it with all my might, even though I know I could never catch it. I still care. I still want to be there. I still know that I want it more than any other guy out there does.
So i suppose this is all an example of just talk again, and no action. But I'm tired of telling myself to move on. I'm tired of crappy dates and girls that just don't connect with me, or just turn around and hurt or disappoint me. If I dropped a dollar on the ground I'd search high and low for it. Well...this is worth innumerably more to me...and its about time I realized that. It about time that I started searching for a way to make it happen rather than mopping around and thinking about it. This isn't the same old talk. This is realization. This is me wanting to do things right. This is me showing that I have what it takes. Showing that I'm not some timid person anymore. Showing that I'm still me, but I want to speak my mind. Not because I think I need to, but because I know I want to.
It might seem too late. But I can't let that matter. If things are right, it wont matter. Its not like anything like this hasn't happened before.
I suppose all that remains to be seen is an opportunity.
Goodnight.
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| Ugh...why can girls be so confusing?
Seems to be my lot..oh well..
So..I was kind of excited..I actually found someone who was cool..we got along well..wanted to hang out..it was rather pleasant and all. Mutually acknowledged that it might (and we wanted) go somewhere. It actually made the week rather pleasant.
Then I come to find out that she randomly met some other guy and started dating him? What the hell? Not that I'm particularly upset about it all or anything, there wasn't time for any real feelings, but still, its rather messed up. I suppose its just frustrating on principle. Whatever, I don't need someone whose gonna pull crap like that anyways, so good.
Haha..I was talking to Brian about this all. He called me an Irish James Bond.
I keep wondering some more again, though. I find people to like, people to go out with, but all the time, after its all over, and everything has subsided, my mind always goes back to something else. And its not that its stopping me from getting things started somewhere else..I go into things and generally just forget, its just in the afterward that it comes back. I still can't help but think that it means something. Still wish I knew how to approach it, and that something would happen... It would kind of make things nice again. It would just be nice to find again...
Good day though, just good. Another nice day in an awesome life. And thats something I can't complain about. :o)
Haha..so I played pool forever tonight..and I want to go back already. So much fun.
goodnight!!! Want to write more on this all but im tired, and theres some relaxing music on tv making me drowsy lol
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| okay...I'm feeling immensely better. Not to say that the stress isn't there anymore, but, I'm definitely feeling better about a lot of things. I think I just fell into a rut, but..as I say all the time...thats life. I know its cliche, but its true for. I try hard to not get worked up by things in life, although sometimes I fail horribly lol. :oP
I think on of the big things was that I was feeling like I hadn't accomplished anything. Its kind of funny...whenever I start feeling weird I usually pour myself into something..be it work, school or whatever. Usually the good feeling I get from getting stuff done makes me realize I just needed a change. I think thats what happened this time lol.
Good day!
I think Georgia weather has turrets syndrome!
My feet are freezing. Stupid apartment and its ineffective heat/air!
I found an internship for lifeteen at covecrest. Get this..I could go there for a few months over the summer and give talks during the day..and get credit for it! Its an amazing thing, and it fits my major awesomely. I'm excited! But I still need to do a bit more research.
Okay, so I'm debating kind of. Well, more or less feeling something out. But I'm kind of excited about it. Get back to ya on it! (Could be awesome)
I'm starved and cold right now...but I'm thinking maybe more tonight..right now I want to shower..eat...bundle up...and maybe go out or play pool.
But def. more later.
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| okay...so I've kind of defected to myspace writing haha...but theres still some love for this left in me lol.
Okay so...I don't want everyone and their uncle reading this so I'm gonna do it here, its been dead for a bit so I guess its cool.
I've had a horribly hard time keeping myself happy the past two or two and a half days. Its weird. I mean, I'm usually good about being happy. It doesn't take a lot to make me smile, and even when I'm feeling "down" on the inside, its usually overshadowed by the fun I have during the day with friends and other things. In general, I can keep my feelings in check pretty well, granted, I'll talk about somethings a lot, or write about them. But thats just because its how I kind of find my "center" of feeling on them.
I guess the point is..I've always been able to do that. And its just weird for me to be at a point, at least for maybe two days (which isn't so long in the gist of things) where I'm honestly feeling consumed but unhappiness.
So I dunno..I guess its just a lot of things coming together maybe. I'm taking a lot of classes, which is stressful. I feel like I deal with a lot of my friends problems back home (not here) and like I'm constantly acting as some kind of guide for them. Moneys a bit tight, but thats not too bad. I'm feeling kind of lonely too, but thats just life. Other things too, I just don't feel like doing so much typing.
So yeah..I'm hoping I come out of this slump. I'm tired of people asking me why I don't seem like myself. Its just frustrating for me when I can't pull myself out of it.
I really wish something would happens with this other thing too. I want it to. I want to wait, but I mean, I'm sick of waiting. I wish something would happen. I wish I could make it happen. I mean, I've already decided what to do when I see the chance, but I wish I could force that opportunity without it being weird as all hell.
Just ugh...I don't like being like this.
In truth..I have a good life. I can't deny that, and if I could I never would. There are just some extra things I wish I had in it.
So this is a rambled mess. Its not me either. I want out of this slump. Patience, I suppose.
Goodnight.
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